humor
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Rumpledforeskin by Burns Well
Rumpledforeskin is an adult parody of the popular fairy tale “Rumpelstiltskin.” This story is not meant to be read by humans or those of you who are offended by anything. Do not try this at home. The author takes absolutely no responsibility for the contents of this book.
The Portable Laura Roberts by Laura Roberts
Laura Roberts was born in 1978 and immediately began writing the story of her life, after staring up at a spinning mobile above her crib for a sufficient period of time and thinking, “I could do better than that.” Though the intervening years have seen her scribbling in notebooks, Harriet the Spy-style, as well as concocting rude gossip rags about her friends and family (hello, “Gossip World!”), she first debuted her special brand of insanity in a university-level screenwriting class, where her final project was a Hal Hartley-inspired fanfic tribute to David Duchovny whose climax saw the protagonist wielding two menacing halves of Immanuel Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason in a boxing match against Duchovny’s real-life wife, Téa Leoni. She received an A from her professor, as well as the astute comment, “You got away with a lot.”
She has been getting away with a lot more ever since, including crime fiction, erotica, sex columns, an honors degree in Creative Writing and English Literature, thinly veiled tracts against her former home base in Austin, Texas, and a ninja versus pirates cavalcade.
Laura is the author of NINJAS OF THE 512, aka the best novel you’ll ever read about pirates, ninjas and evil politicians in Austin, Texas. Her second novel, NAKED MONTREAL, about her time as a sex columnist in the Sin City of the North, is available in serial format. She is also pondering a ninja follow-up that features ninjas versus robots. In her copious spare time, Laura curates the cheeky literary magazine Black Heart, which features indie authors’ poetry and prose on a daily basis, and lives in an Apocalypse-proof bunker in SoCal with her artist husband and their literary kitty, Nedward Carlos Nedwards.
THE PORTABLE LAURA ROBERTS is Laura’s most egotistical anthology to date, but she hopes her friends and fans will be amused by this diversion while they await the completion of her next novel.
This sampler contains many of Laura’s previously published short fiction including:
-CRIME FICTION-
17 Things You Never Knew About Val Capone
Murder in the Key of E
Snow Patrol
Wakizashi
Of Cocks and Existentialism
-EROTICA-
Aries
Libra
Taurus
Virgo
Sleeping Together
-LITERARY FICTION-
Metro Area Weather
Montreal in 7 Pieces
-POETRY-
Obituary
Montreal Winter
Halifax in a Sentence
Cheeky Haiku
PLUS an excerpt from her serial novel, Naked Montreal!
The Devil Drinks Coffee by Destiny Ford
A cow suicide, a revolving door rescue, and the birth of a bright purple pig are starting to make Kate Saxee wonder if taking a job in her small hometown of Branson Falls, Utah, was such a great idea. As The Branson Tribune editor, Kate covers local news, which, more often than not, involves her accident-prone mom. Nothing truly newsworthy has ever happened in the quiet town until local teen Chelsea Bradford turns up dead in a Branson Falls lake.
The police rule Chelsea’s death an accident, but Kate suspects there’s more to the story—and she’s not the only one. Two of Branson’s most eligible bachelors are determined to help her solve the crime—among other things. But the small town social network is faster than Twitter, and gossip about Kate’s love-life is quickly branding her the Branson Falls hussy.
As Kate learns more about Chelsea, she discovers that plenty of people are trying to cover up the real story behind the girl’s death—including Chelsea’s parents. Now Kate has to juggle work, men, her mom’s most recent disaster involving a low-speed John Deere Combine chase on the freeway, and fend off the Mormons heaven-bent on saving her soul—all while solving Chelsea’s murder. Dealing with this is going to require a lot of coffee, chocolate frosted donuts, Neil Diamond’s greatest hits, and a slew of words not on the town approved imitation swear list.
How To Choose A Sweetheart by Nigel Bird @amouseandaman
“She came into the bookshop. That was it. That was the beginning.”
This isn’t the first romantic story to feature a balcony, nor is it likely to be the last. Even so, what takes place in ‘How To Choose A Sweetheart’ is a modern, fresh take on an old-fashioned tale.
Max is a bookseller. Since his relationship with Jazz ended, he’s struggling to find purpose in life. That all changes when a beautiful woman, Cath, walks into his shop and pins up and advert asking for a piano teacher for her daughter, Alice.
It’s almost perfect. Max takes down the details and gets in touch immediately. Within a short space of time he manages to secure the position as Alice’s piano teacher and establish that Cath’s a single mother. What could be better?
Well, he might be able to play the piano for a start.
Or his newly acquired piano teacher might not be an old, alcoholic wreck.
Or he might be completely over his ex-girlfriend.
And he might not be forced into a position where he needs to come up with a composition of his own to woo the new lady in his life.
It’s a tangled web we weave and Max seems to be sticking in the threads like a spider in a web.
A topsy-turvy romantic comedy that will warm your cockles and split your sides.
Tango Boat Dancers by Charles Frankhauser
From the earliest of times, leaders encouraged groups of people to accomplish difficult tasks. Issues associated with maintaining high levels of morale were critical to the success of the tasks at hand. During the 1930’s, an Admiral seeks advice from a psychologist in regard to maintaining high levels of morale among sailors serving long tours at sea. A male and two female naval officers lead a team in a clinical trial to determine the effectiveness of a doctor’s recommended cures to raise morale and cure homesickness.
A German U-Boat Admiral assigns a young officer to develop a plan to eliminate depression and homesickness among sailors on training missions near the American coast prior to WWII. The Admiral gives the officer no specifics in terms of how to develop a test plan based on a few remarks of a renowned psychologist in Berlin. The Lieutenant is assigned two female Lieutenants as members of his first command. The command is ordered to submit a test plan for approval based on the psychologist’s vague unclear remarks to his friend the Admiral.
One Lieutenant is the psychologist’s daughter; the other Lieutenant was a chorus girl with previous experience running an escort service for high-ranking party members. The male Lieutenant and the psychologist’s daughter are attracted to one another; the experienced escort member of the team guides the other team members in learning the basics of brothel management at a brothel run by her family in Hamburg.
A plan is developed to hire contractors from Hamburg to staff a boat designed as a treatment center for depressed sailors. A team consisting of three naval Lieutenants and five contractors travel by cruise ship to Key West, Florida to work undercover in a bar while conducting homesick treatment tests at sea during rendezvous with U-Boats.
Specific tests are ordered for each patient as prescribed from the psychologist’s office using shortwave radio from Berlin. The importance of validating the treatment theory is given top priority with unlimited support provided from the German General Staff.
CARIBBEAN CONCUBINE by Rosita Rubio
CARIBBEAN CONCUBINE is an erotic romantic comedy. VERY EXPLICIT SEX with SUN, SAILING and BEACHES. WHAT SCANDALOUS ADVENTURES DOES ROSITA HAVE IN MIND FOR HER UNSUSPECTING BOYFRIEND? See it all through Rosita’s eyes. Add flirting, teasing, playing, humor, excitement and romance for a great erotic adventure in the Caribbean. Sail from the island of Vieques on the eastern coast of Puerto Rico to Martinique in the French West Indies. They stop at some of the most beautiful islands in the Caribbean to explore the towns and see the beaches. They experience new sexual experiences together, in a most playful way. The names have been changed for reasons that don’t need to be explained. Did this actually happen? You be the judge. Approximately 39,100 words of laughter and sex.
I Love My Breakup by Sabrina Lacey
What do you do when your jerk of a boyfriend cheats on you and THEN tells you he wants to see other people??
Do you answer a provocative ad on the internet: “In New York For Only One Night.”
…If his photos look like he could be Ryan Gosling’s brother – Ummmm. Yes.
And Erotic Romance – Part 1 in the “I love my …” series.
The Last Strand by Van Krishna
Short:
Liz was not like her best friend Stacy. She preferred long walks at night to late night parties, holding hands to holding something else, and a kiss goodnight to bumpin’ uglies. Then how did she end up naked from her waist down with a guy she barely knew in the middle of a parking lot? How did she end up falling for someone who might be responsible for her parent’s death?
Extended:
When her dog died and her boyfriend turned gay, Liz Collins forced herself to look on the bright side of things and stoically endure misfortune. Liz knew the sun would shine for her, for her mother always told her so. But when her parent’s died in a tragic car accident, a part of her died with them. The naive part that believed in tomorrow’s sunshine rather than the night’s darkness, the darkness of sin and death. But even when she was falling part, she couldn’t fall apart. She just couldn’t. For the sake of her family and for Stacy—Liz’s morbid, redhead, best friend. Even if Stacy would never admit to anyone—least of all Liz—she was all Stacy had and Liz made a promise to attend college with her. For a girl holding on to the last strand of her sanity and self-esteem, it was a promise that offered her an escape from the never ending nightmare that was her life but nothing more. Until, she meets Nick Jones.
Flying was his passion and the only thing stopping Nick from being a fighter pilot was a college degree. Should be a piece of cake compared to his last surveillance mission in Afghanistan or his last rescue mission in Brazil. Or so he thought, until he discovered his girlfriend Liz’s knack of stumbling into trouble. The girl’s got a bounty on her head, literally.
Charming, annoying and ruggedly gorgeous, Nick Jones was full of surprises and falling for him was not part of Liz’s plan, if she ever had one. After all, Liz was still holding on to the last strand of life and taking a leap of faith at that point was a bit like sky diving without a parachute. But she couldn’t resist Nick. She couldn’t seem to help herself. Brave, no. Foolish, maybe. Because a man who says he is an FBI agent just dropped the biggest bombshell about her new, mysterious boyfriend and his whereabouts on the day of her parent’s death. Tore between love and despair, Liz is put to the ultimate test of creating her own destiny from the clutches of fate, inflicted upon her.
Gone Hollywood: A Romantic Comedy by Sally Mason
A comedy about getting lost and finding love. Movie star Cord McCann and farm girl Bobby Champagne collide in Hollywood (Hollywood, Texas, that is!) and start a romance that’s as sweet, sexy and hilarious as it is unlikely.
Bloody Marys: Sanguine Solutions for a Slew of Situations by Judy Bennett @bloodymaryment
No matter what kind of day you’ve had or what kind of night you have planned, there’s a Bloody Mary to match your mood. From recipes to history to movies for any Bloody occasion, discover the culture behind the concoction. Dress your drink in pearls of knowledge and snark; there’s more to that toothpick than olives! And do it alongside the mothers of the masterpiece—the women of yesteryear who knew: the kiss of tomato on a clean, white apron means a good time is just around the corner.
