Find more from this author on:
About the author:
And what keeps me going… microdermabrasion and margaritas … seriously…
What inspired you to write your book?
Thinking from the male viewpoint from the perspective that they don’t want to fall in love
Here is a short sample from the book:
‘Love? What the fuck does that mean?’ sighed Conor, as he inhaled deeply on his cigarette and ruffled his brown hair. He glanced over at Neve, knowing his comment would wind her up. ‘It’s a contrived pile of emotional shit.’
‘Big words, bad attitude,’ Neve groaned as she checked through her list. ‘One day you’ll fall in love like I have. With your Irish charm and good looks you might meet someone at the party tonight. Then again, you’ll open your mouth and spoil it.’
‘You love Marcus, as you’re forever going on about in your romantic bollocks sort of way,’ Conor said, pretending to be bored by his own words and rolling his eyes before grinning at her.
‘It’s not bollocks,’ she snapped, focussing her dark eyes on him as she flicked back her black hair which fell onto her light mocha shoulders.
Conor drew heavily on his cigarette before exhaling slowly, knowing she would get the arse in a matter of moments if he continued.
So he did.
‘You stay faithful to him, that’s wonderful but it’s not for me. Relationships and love fuck everything up. No one can stay faithful and the whole thing is overrated to be honest. That’s why I steer well away from it,’ he said, glancing at her pissed off expression and feeling amused. ‘And anyway, I know most of the women coming tonight.’
‘You mean you’ve ‘had’ most of the women coming.’
‘And come they always do,’ he said cheekily as Neve smirked.
‘I love my husband and I will be faithful to him,’ she said, glancing out of the window to look at her Jack Russell, Pecker, playing in the garden. ‘Is Marcus faithful to me?’
‘He loves you,’ Conor replied, knowing to steer away from the topic of her husband’s fidelity. ‘See what love does? It makes you paranoid and insecure. Also then you go and fuck the whole thing up by getting married!’
‘Marriage can make you very happy,’ she said loudly, giving him a sideways glance as Conor smiled.
‘Until death do us part, in sickness and in health… what a load of bollocks! Imagine screwing the same person day in and day out.’
‘Conor!’ Neve snapped, making him want to laugh out loud from her expression. ‘Making love to the person you love is a wonderful feeling.’
‘I’ve no complaints about Marcus in that department and he hasn’t about me, I hope,’ she calmly replied. ‘Marriage is wonderful with the right person. It’s special-.’
‘That’s why you’re wife number two?’
‘Alright,’ she said, holding up her hands. ‘You’re allowed to make a few mistakes on the way. He got married when he was young. Then he sowed his wild oats like the demonic male he is and fell in love with me. Marcus knows wife number two, yours truly, is the best option.’
‘I doubt it,’ Conor muttered under his breath, managing to catch her dirty look. ‘I will never fall in love with anyone, ever.’
‘So young yet, so deranged,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Anyway you wouldn’t know love if it came and smacked you in the face!’
‘I’d duck the punch!’
‘You’d refuse to fall in love just to prove a point! You’re an arse!’
‘I’m a realist!’ he said, standing up in his boxers, smiling brightly before letting out a big sigh. ‘Thanks for letting me come round for a shower.’
‘Did I have a choice?’ she said, shaking her head and pinning up her hair, which Conor noticed mostly just fell out of her clip. ‘Just because your place is a tip doesn’t mean you can use this as a hotel.’
‘It’s not my fault the cleaner didn’t turn up.’
‘Stop sleeping with them,’ Neve said then laughed. ‘Blimey, see what I mean about your shitty attitude?’
‘Listen,’ she said, wagging a finger at him. ‘If you keep upsetting the cleaners-.’
‘I didn’t upset her,’ Conor said, knowing what was coming next and standing there, ready for the chastising.
‘Screwing the cleaner is not a good idea because when you piss them off, they don’t clean, quite simple really. And I had to apologise to Cara’s mother about a hundred times for your seduction. The poor woman thought her daughter was doing a thorough clean.’
‘She was thoroughly hovering with me,’ he laughed and recalled the young beauty in his bed.
‘You’re lucky they still let me use their agency.’
‘I said I was sorry.’
‘Give me back the keys to my house,’ Neve demanded, holding out her hands. ‘You don’t need them anymore.’
‘What about in emergencies?’ he feigned horror then pretended to look for them in his boxers, by rummage around his bollocks.
Conor saw Neve dry heave.
‘Last weekend you got, goodness who, to stay,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘Don’t use my home as a shagging den? What’s that about?’
‘They see this house and they’re so impressed, they’re on their knees with their mouths open in a matter of seconds. All I have to do is stick my dick right in,’ he laughed out, while watching Neve’s face drop in disgust.
‘Shut up Conor! I don’t want to know the gory details or your backward attitude when it comes to sex and women.’
‘It’s the only excitement you get in your life, hearing about my sexual conquests,’ Conor replied, stretching in the middle of the kitchen.
He was particularly proud of his body at the moment and admired the new tattoo on his arm which looked great against his tan.
‘Listen buddy,’ she said, pointing at him. ‘I have to listen to it at work because, unfortunately, that husband of mine thought we’d make a good team, but under my roof, button it up!’
‘Anyway, work comes first in my life,’ he honestly said, admiring her backside.
‘Don’t make me laugh!’ Neve wailed in amusement. ‘Women come first!’
‘Sex isn’t everything. You’ll find out one day that love is the key. When the honeymoon period subsides, love will keep you together.’
‘Anyway, I only love my mammy,’ he chipped in giving her a wink.
‘Your mother,’ she sighed and pulled a face. ‘You really are a mummy’s boy, do you know that?’
‘But you love me the way I am.’
‘I don’t think so,’ she mumbled. ‘You have to stop focussing on the sleeping around thing.’
‘You’re fucking joking! As long as this is working,’ he said, pointing to his crotch. ‘I’m a happy man.’
‘You’re a lost cause.’
‘Love, apparently, makes you feel like shit,’ he said, walking behind her and whispering in her ear. ‘Though I can see you’re happy with it. You’ve got a fantastic husband, a successful company, a good home, a bonkers dog and added to that…’
‘Nice hair and great tits!’
‘Thank you for that!’ she snapped, turning around and pushing him away. ‘Hair and tits! That’s a solid combination! Not to mention my fantastic personality?’
‘You’re okay for an old bird who moans a lot,’ he smirked. ‘Middle aged, I think they call it.’
’I’m thirty seven and only eight years older than you. And I don’t bloody well moan,’ she replied and hit him hard on the arm, making him flinch. ‘You should get yourself an older woman to knock some sense into you?’
‘Are you offering?’ he said, admiring her curvy figure, licking his lips and looking directly at her chest to wind her up even more.
Conor knew she hated it when he was being lecherous.
‘You really are an arse,’ she shuddered and walked to the fridge. ‘Yuk!’
‘I love all women, all shapes, sizes and colours. You know, there are women you marry and women you fuck.’
‘What type am I?’ she said, scowling at him. ‘Actually don’t answer that.’
‘You’re the worst type?’
‘What do you mean?’ Neve now looked apprehensive and Conor thought deeply about how he was going to word it.
‘You’re the type that believes you marry the love of your life and you don’t fuck, you make love.’
‘Nothing wrong with that!’
‘Sod the marriage, sod the love. I go for the fucking type.’
‘You mean you’re not fussy.’
‘I am fussy, believe me. They have to be willing to have uncomplicated fun. A sense of humour always helps.’
‘They’d need one to put up with you.’
‘The love thing never comes into the agenda.’
‘Five years you’ve spouted this shit,’ she said, shaking her head in dismay.
‘I’m true to myself. It’s me, it’s who I am,’ he grinned and turned to sit on the chair. ‘I never treat women badly.’
‘That’s a lie,’ she said, sitting down next to him. ‘I know you’ve hurt people. Is there anyone who’s not your type?’
‘Yeah, the ones that want commitment and love, they fuck are so not my type!’ He let out a loud laugh and then a big sigh before looking at her straight in the eye. ‘That includes you.’
Conor watched as Neve bit her lip before fixing her big brown eyes on him, in a menacing manner, which was then replaced with a wicked smile.
‘Thank god for that,’ she eventually whispered. ‘If I ended up with a fuckwit like you, I’d know my life would be over.’
‘And I quite like ugly women,’ he continued seeing her wince.
‘I’m too scared to ask why.’
‘I’ll tell you,’ he began. ‘They try harder in bed to make up for being less pleasing on the eye.’
‘I thought you said that about fat women?’ Neve said sharply.
‘Fat ugly women are great in the sack but you wouldn’t want to walk down the road with them,’ then Conor looked at Neve before whispering. ‘Maybe I might let you shag me then.’
‘Fuck off Conor!’ she snapped, seeing he had riled her. ‘If you’re calling me fat and ugly you can leave right now!’ He watched her beautiful face pout before she started tapping the work surface then quietly asked, ‘Do you think I’m fat and ugly?
‘Neve,’ he laughed. ‘You are so easy to wind up! You have major insecurities.’
‘And you don’t bloody well help,’ she said loudly. ‘Thank god I’m not your type!’
‘You’re so fucking not!’ he smiled. ‘And you know my code for life.’
‘Oh, not this again,’ she said, folding her arms firmly across her chest.
He noticed it made her breasts go higher.
‘The three ‘D’s.’
‘Do I have to hear it?’ she said, feigning disgust.
‘Yes,’ Conor said, leaning closer to her face as her eyes narrowed even more to menacing slits. ‘Drink, drugs and dick.’
‘You get them drunk, ply them with drugs so you can stick your dick up their derriere?’ she wide eyed, innocently, replied, making Conor shake his head while he smiled. ‘So it’s in fact quadruple D’s. Did you like my play on the dick and derriere? I thought that was quite good.’